Campaign Emails from My Son

So persuasive great job

SUBJECT: THIS IS DIRE.

Hi, Mommy,

When Trump won in 2016, they called me hysterical for saying the worst could happen. But I was right. Today we ran out of the string cheese with Elsa on the wrapper. And if we don’t act now, my daughters and granddaughters could live in a world with no Elsa string cheese. At all.

So I’m turning to you.

With just a $19 Postmates charge for $3 worth of cheese, we could restore Elsa string cheese to our refrigerator.

Forever.

With hope,

Goof

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SUBJECT: HIT THE ROAD FOR DEMOCRACY

Mommy,

It’s Goof with the Kamala Harris campaign. The election is less than a month away, and now more than ever it is time to head to a swing district and go to Legoland.

RSVP TODAY:

• FRIEND: $1,800 for two nights in a family suite plus day passes.

• SUPPORTER: $2,000 for two nights in a family suite plus “Skip the Line” add-on.

• CHAMPION: $2,500 for two nights in a family suite plus “Skip the Line” and food.

See you there,

Goof, SVP of Legoland for Harris for America

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SUBJECT: I’M ASKING YOU ONE LAST TIME

Mommy, I’ll cut right to the chase:

This election is a tossup, and the only way we can GUARANTEE peace of mind on November 6th is if I can watch ONE MORE episode of Bluey RIGHT NOW. Not the hospital one. And not “Keepy Uppy” because the balloon pops.

So I’m asking you: WILL YOU COMMIT TODAY to:

• 3

• 25

• OR 1000 MINUTES OF BLUEY

Your support means the world,
Goof

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SUBJECT: PUTIN’S WILDEST DREAM

Mommy,

If there’s one thing Vladimir Putin wants it’s for me to wear socks.

At this crossroads for our nation, let’s send a message to our enemies abroad and say: No. Even if it’s cold, we do not need to wear socks.

Because as Americans, we are all united in a common belief: Sneakers are warm enough on their own. And we do not need anything underneath them. Not now. Not ever.

REPLY: “FOOT SWEAT” TO OPT IN

Goof