Back to School Checklist by My Son

Excited for a fun year full of growth and learning and unbroken Pocky sticks!

The summer has flown by and, against our express wishes, preschool is underway again! To help ease the transition and keep things running smoothly, here’s a checklist to make sure it’s the best year yet!

• No dropoff. To ease the transition back to school, instead of “dropoff” this year, all students immediately go home with a parent or guardian every day. If you “need” to “work” you can sit on a small chair in the room and do your job on your phone, which as far as we can tell is breathing a lot through your nose as you fill online shopping carts with small pants for your student.

• No lunch. We can all agree meals have no place in our lives, so there will not be a designated “lunch” period, just a series of granola bars steadily eaten throughout the day and one occasional cheese stick. Please pack the granola bar UNWRAPPED and LOOSE in your student’s pant pocket. Thanks! :)

• Nondisclosure. We have been sworn to secrecy about my day and contractually can’t tell you any details, no matter how vague, about “how school was.” I apologize for the ironclad confidentiality, but my hands are tied. Topics we can discuss after school include:

  • Are you old?

  • Will you die?

  • When will you die?

  • Will I die?

  • Can we have banana bread?

• No shoes. We found after so many struggles last year it’s easiest to go barefoot. On the four-block walk to school this likely means all students will need to be carried the entire way to school. Apologies for the inconvenience!

• Only Elliot. This goes without saying, but the only other student permitted in class this year is Elliot, because he is nice. Also Izzy, who is medium nice.

  Thanks so much for taking this into consideration and we look forward to a great year of fun, friendship, and holding in our pee until it’s a medical emergency.