Available Real Estate Listings in a Major City Right Now

You should really move here!

1BR, 1BA

GORGEOUS, LIGHT-FLOODED tree stump in RARE, PRIVATE fenced-in square of mulch on premiere park block. Moments from shopping, renowned restaurants and award-winning schools. Convenient to subways and the farmer’s market at Grand Army Plaza. Low maintenance and 24-hour squirrel. $840k, all cash preferred.

---

LOFT, 1 BATH

BRING YOUR CONTRACTOR and build your dream home out of rolls of toilet paper and expired BINAX NOW covid tests at this 24-hour Rite Aid. Choose from 24 mind-boggling aisles with your family and enjoy your fluorescent paradise with a semi-private bathroom. Service dogs considered. $3.8M

---

4-BR, 2 BA

Location, location, location! Ever dream of waking up to endless treetop views above the hustle and bustle? This open-floor-plan, newly renovated playground structure at 3^rd Street features an elevated sleeping alcove and wobbly bridge. $2.4M

---

12-BR, 1 BA

Period details abound in this preschool classroom lovingly tended-to by the same toddlers for 8 months. Delivered VACANT for the summer, custom artwork and ample cubby space line the walls of this AIR-CONDITIONED 4^th-floor unit. Sleeping cots included, tenant must provide proof of potty readiness. Short term only, $16k/month.

---

1-BAG

Designer flourishes abound in this 2022 Celine bag quickly stashed behind a topiary outside a preschool right before an interview because the previous owner worried at the last minute it read too “gauche” for the school’s vibe. Resale value approx 2/mo. rent in roommate-share.

---