An Op-Ed from a Parent of a Preschool-Aged Kid in RSV/Flu/COVID Season

Thank you for reading and considering.

WHAT WAS THAT

WHAT WAS THAT SOUND

WAS THAT A COUGH

DID YOUR BROTHER COUGH

OH GOD

OH GOD WHAT’S THAT COMING OUT OF YOUR NOSE? WHAT IS THAT, RESPECTFULLY, COMING OUT OF YOUR GODDAMNED FUCKING NOSE.

OH NO.

NO.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

NO THANK YOU. INDEED, NO.

NOT AGAIN.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

JESUS SHIT FUCK. WHAT THE JESUS FUCK. WHAT IN FUCK’S NAME IS FUCKING HAPPENING.

OK. IT’S OK. IT’S GOING TO BE OK. GIVE ME A SECOND.

[ONE SECOND PASSES]

FUCK.

OK GIVE ME THE FOREHEAD THERMOMETER THING. NO, THE ONE THAT WORKS. THE BLUE ONE THAT SAYS CVS ON IT. OK.

SHIT. OH, SHIT.

I AM CALLING THE DOCTOR. “HI, YES THIS IS THE MOTHER OF - YES I WILL HOLD.”

[TEN MINUTES PASS]

“HELLO - YES WHICH DATE OF BIRTH DO YOU WANT - IT’S BOTH OF THEM.”

[TWO MINUTES OF CONVERSATION PASS]

“THANK YOU, OK. WILL DO. YEP. YOU, TOO.”

FUCK.

WE’RE FUCKED.

OK. WHO WANTS TO WATCH THE PAW PATROL MOVIE.

[THIS HORRIBLE MOVIE HAPPENS]

[OCEANS RISE A BIT. THE MOON EMERGES BRIGHTLY IN THE SKY. A HUNDRED BABIES ARE BORN AND SHOUT OUT INTO THE WORLD. LIONS ENCIRCLE A PANICKING ZEBRA IN A FARAWAY FIELD. A STICK FLOATS ALONG A RIVER UP TO THE EDGE OF A THUNDEROUS WATERFALL AND DISAPPEARS INTO THE CHURN. AN ELDERLY MAN IN A CROWDED METRO STATION CATCHES A WAFT OF HIS DEAD WIFE’S PERFUME. LIGHTYEARS AWAY, A DYING STAR COLLAPSES INTO BLACKNESS.]

WHO WANTS TO WATCH PAW PATROL AGAIN.