An Interview With the Worm Found in RFK Jr.'s Brain

A "Grudge Report" Exclusive

The worm and I meet for coffee in the lobby of the hotel where he’s staying for his media tour. He’s going on The Today Show tomorrow morning and is booked on Colbert tonight. It’s been a whirlwind 24 hours since the news cycle catapulted him into the spotlight, and seated across from me on a plush velvet armchair, he looks frazzled.

“It’s insane,” he laughs. “Two days ago, my biggest plan was, like, to eat part of a leaf.”

Clad in a navy linen blazer and Ray Bans, he looks conspicuously cool, a far cry from the mound of dirt where he spent most of his life before crossing paths with the most infamous brain tissue in modern politics.

“This jacket is new,” he says. “My publicist said I can’t be ‘naked.’ Loro Piano I think. Crazy expensive.”

“It’s nice,” I offer, which seems to relax him a bit. His pharynx contracts and all five of his hearts stop beating quite so vigorously.

We talk about his travels (“They flew me out first class! Not like I needed the leg room!”), about his first impressions of the city (“I was nervous about coming to New York, but everyone’s been so nice to me!"), and his hotel room (“A literal dream.”), and the we got to it.

[Ed note: The following interview has been edited and condensed for clarity]

BK: What is your general state of mind right now?

W: Honestly? I’m freaked out. What happened with [Robert F. Kennedy Jr.] was so long ago.

BK: Do you remember what he was like when you first met?

W: He was amazing. He was an environmental rights lawyer and teaching at Pace. He had a radio show. He was really grounded, super down-to-earth. Given his family, it seemed he escaped all the craziness.

BK: And how exactly did you first meet? You don’t exactly travel in the same circles.

W: It was on a vacation he took doing environmental advocacy.

BK: In what country?

W: Sorry, I don’t know which country it was because I’m a worm. I can tell you it was warm. And wet! There was good algae there.

BK: And what kind of impression did he make on you?

W: I mean, he’s a Kennedy! It’s unmistakable. He had a certain confidence and charisma you’re just born with. I remember as I got close to his ear, I had this little voice in my nerve ganglion that thought, “Don’t do it. Don’t go in.” But there was this magnetism to him…

BK: And you were both married at the time?

W: I was. But I’d rather not talk about that.

[Ed note: His publicist, seated on the banquette nearby and typing on her phone throughout our conversation, brusquely asked me to move on.]

BK: What did you think would happen?

W: I had no idea I’d end up in this mess. I thought I’d eat a little brain tissue, see what it’s all about, have a story to tell my eight thousand kids, and move on.

BK: And have you? Have you moved on?

W: Can you ever move on from a man like that? Part of me will always be in that brain. What’s left of it.

BK: Speaking of what’s left of it…would you say Kennedy seems different now than your first encounter?

W: I see him on the news and giving speeches and it’s like a different person. I’m not going to say it’s because of me, but yeah, it’s kind of a trip to think I got into his head that much.

BK: Do you support his candidacy?

[His publicist puts her phone down and shoots him a look which he doesn’t seem to notice]

W: I mean, that’s complicated. I have nothing but love for him, and we have history, but even as a worm I can tell you everything he’s saying is insane. But also, I kind of love his vaccine ideas, because more dead bodies means my family would have more to eat. So it’s kind of a tossup. I hope that doesn’t make me sound callous.

BK: I think it’s understandable. Is there anything you’d like to say to Kennedy right now?

W: Yes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ate your brain.

BK: Do you regret the time you spent together?

W: No. I don’t regret the time we had together. Because if I hadn’t eaten his brain, I wouldn’t have created a mouthpiece for so many dead bodies, and after all, what does a worm want more than flesh to eat?

BK: Love?

W: Sure. But mostly flesh.

BK: And who are you voting for in this election?

W: I can’t vote, but if I could, Biden.

BK: That’s surprising! Why?

W: Bigger ears.