An Excerpt from Jared Kushner's Forthcoming Memoir

An early look at the shocking introduction to "Breaking History."

Hulloo! I am teeny tiny tall bird Jared. Typing this book is so veery fun. I tried dictating but my voice is like a tiny flute so the words come out seely and looney when they turn into letters on the computo-screen. Heeeheee it tickles my tiny belly I am so nerveee to write boook. Big writey me!

One dee, I was at a fancy, dancy party with beautiful yellow hair lady name Ivalalala Tramp. She told me she decided “it strategic” to merry meee! Little big Jared would get a boooootiful bride with the shiniest most yellow hair made of moonlight and stars! Ahhhh! She keesed me right in my mouth under a big canopee called a hoopa! And together, we are Jew.

We have five cheeeldren names Beeerntee, Ooonja, Meeep, and Baby Pang. Ivalala lets me tach their baby hairs on their leeetl heads if I am careful and wash mine hand in soapy babbles first.

One dee, Ivalalala daddy become king! HE IS SCEEEEEERY AND LOUUUUD MAKE JARED WANT CURL BODY IN COIL AND HID IN LEEETL BOX! Heehehheheee!

King Tramp tell Jared he has jab in Whites House! Beeeg jab! A jab is like playing time with Lego Block except I do it at desk! Hehehheheheeehe. I wear a vest and halmet am varry good at jab! People call mine phone and I say: “Yes. Deefinitely.” and then I throw away mine phone. All done!

One dee, King Tramp yell at Jared: “FIX ISRAEL!” I am Jew so I can fix Israel. I go in Israel in beeeg loudy plane! It so sceeeery I didn’t want uncover mine eyes. But I got to Israel and say: “Heey!!!! Listen my tiny voice!!!! Don’t do fighting!!!!” They keep fighting and I go home to Ivalala and our seven (8) baby.

I am scare because everybody go to jail with finanshull tie to Mr. King Father Tramp. Hheheheeheh mine Father went jail and when he cam back he cry outside by pool at night when he not theenk I looking. But I always looking at night since my eye lids do not close for sleep. They are cleer.

I do not want go jail because I want cuddle Ivalalala with my long and smooth spaghetti legs in our fanceee house in sunshiny Miami.

Ivalalala hate me and I live in tiny cage in walk in closet. But wan she sleep at night, I slip out with my slinky bodeee and kees her on shiny forehead. It so cold and smell like sweet lotion but I love she. The lotion is not eating lotion.

I am glad I marry she because Father Tramp let me wear all the vests I want and fly on loudy loud planes every day I want.

I am sorry I no feex Israel. It was veryy loud.

I hop you like mine book. Thee en.