Advice Column From a 12-Year-Old Girl

A therapist once told me to "access my inner child" when dealing with adult conflict.

Dear 12-Year-Old Bess,

Since my daughter was born last November, my mother-in-law has more than hinted I should quit my job. I am a guidance counselor at a high school, and although my husband earns significantly more than I do, we both love our jobs and my work with my students gives me a great sense of purpose. Since returning to work after maternity leave, my mother-in-law has gone so far as to ask why I “take care of other people’s children” all day while my daughter “sits in daycare.” I tried to brush it off at first, but she has started hammering my husband about it, too, and he’s beginning to parrot her talking points. It makes the working mother juggling act so much harder. How do I tell her to back off and let me live my life without alienating her and causing a division in my marriage?

Thank you!

Guidance Seeking Guidance

Dear Guidance,

Thank you for writing to me. This reminds me of a situation I am currently in regarding David Moskowitz. I told Amanda C. that I like David Moskowitz, but at Ashley P.’s Halloween party, Amanda C. slow danced with David Moskowitz to Savage Garden. She said that it was “just a friendly dance,” but the song was “Truly, Madly, Deeply.” Truly. Madly. Deeply. Is there anything “friendly” about those words? No. That’s not just a romantic song, it’s THE most romantic song I have ever heard. Ever. In case you aren’t aware, it goes: “I wanna to stand with you on a mountain. I wanna bathe with you in the sea.” I’m sorry - do you BATHE with your “friends” in the SEA? No. If she wants to bathe with David Moskowitz in the sea that’s fine, but she doesn’t need to lie to my face about it. You know what? It’s not fine. I trusted her when I told her I liked him. I trusted her with my heart. And she broke it forever. And danced over it like a billion pieces of beautiful glass. Sorry about your parrot I hope you have a great rest of your summer. :)

Sincerely,

Bess

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Dear 12-Year-Old Bess,

My college friend is getting married in Puglia this September, and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I am touched to be invited, let alone included in such an intimate way, but my financial reality right now makes it a bit too much of a stretch. What complicates things, is I’ve already saved specifically so my sister and I can travel to Portugal for her birthday in October after and have booked the entire trip, so it will look a bit strange if I say I can’t go to Europe this month and then show up on Instagram eating sardines in Porto the next month. How do I handle this delicately?

Thank you,

Pinching Euros

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Dear Pinching,

Ok that’s so weird you say that because it’s literally exactly what I was talking about with Sarah on the bus this very morning. When Mr. O’Brien said the only material that we had to study for the unit quiz is MATERIAL INCLUDED IN THE UNIT in our textbook, I trusted him. He is our teacher and teachers don’t lie. They are here to educate, not deceive. Even though we BRIEFLY discussed photosynthesis in class on Thursday, it is technically in the next unit, so it would be impossible for us to be responsible for that in the unit quiz. A unit is a unit no matter what Mr. O’Brien decides to go off track about. So. You can imagine my shock when last Friday, I sit down in Science and lo and behold what is literally the first question on the unit quiz? It’s about chlorophyl. Chlorophyl. I’m sorry, but isn’t chlorophyll the number one thing of photosynthesis? Now I get why the great Mahatma Ghandi did a hunger strike. I, of course, refused to answer the question and got a 9 out of 10 on the quiz. In case you’re wondering: that’s a 90 percent. And since I got an 8 out of 10 on the unit quiz the day I sprained my ankle in gym (due to the rope), now if I’m going to get an A in the class I have to do literally perfectly the rest of the month. So yeah: I think we’re both better off just getting struck by lightning right here and now.

XO!

Bess

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Dear 12-Year-Old Bess,

Several of my colleagues and I have recently discovered our direct manager has installed “productivity tracking” software in our work laptops. He did not tell us this was happening until someone called him out over Slack, and then he sent a very dismissive email to our team saying it was company policy for remote work. We researched his claim and, and it is simply not true. We have been quietly talking about unionizing in the manner of several other similar employee collectives in our field, so do we save this as a bargaining chip, or get him fired now and address it head on?

Many thanks,
Remotely Pissed

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Dear Remotely,

I write to you with a lump of coal in my soul. This afternoon after lunch, just when I thought everything was perfect and grand, Brian G. broke up with me. Get this: I was wearing the same orange Petite Bateau tee shirt I was wearing last Monday when we got together. Circle of freaking life.

I wish I could write more but the tears streaming down my face are more than I can bear. My arms feel like lead weights dangling like anchors by my side, pulling me into the sea of misery and loneliness forever. I want nothing more than to feel the warmth of his smile, the sparkle of his laugh, but instead, there is only darkness. As dark as anti-matter.

The reason for the breakup was his camp girlfriend agreed to go to second with him this weekend at her pool party. I’m sorry I won’t prostitute myself like a common street dancer, and I’m even sorrier that I don’t have a pool. But one day I will hold my head up high at their wedding and toast to them, the great thieves of my only joy.

Love,

Bess