Actual Things My Parents Said While Watching My Son's Soccer Practice

Unfortunately this is also true

INT - INDOOR BASEMENT SOCCER FIELD, BROOKLYN

MY PARENTS SIT ON A BENCH WATCHING HIM RUN AROUND FLOPPILY, CHASING AFTER A BALL AND BARELY RESPONDING TO THE “COACH’S” WHISTLE. HE, AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS FIELD, IS FIVE YEARS OLD.

MOM: Oh my. How did you make an athlete?