Actual things my parents said while watching my son's swimming lesson

A transcript. This is not embellished for comedy.

INT. INDOOR POOL VIEWING AREA - MY SON AND FIVE OTHER KIDS ARE DOING A SWIMMING LESSON IN A LANE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GIANT PLEXIGLASS WINDOW.

MOM: Oh my. He’s just so beautiful.

DAD: He’s stunning. There’s a crossing guard outside [REDACTED] who sees a thousand kids a day, and every day she stops and says “Hi!” to him.

MOM: It’s because he’s so stunningly beautiful.

DAD: It stops people in their tracks. In. Their. Tracks.

MOM: Bess, why is he the only one not in a swim shirt?

ME: It’s an indoor p-

MOM: He’s not over his cough so get ready for that to continue with a vengeance.

DAD: He’s goin’ in! Here he goes!

MOM: He is so brave. He is so scared but he is being so strong.

ME: He’s not scared he actually loves sw-

DAD: He has your little brother’s courage. He is so much like Will.

MOM: He’s exactly like Will.

DAD: It’s Will all over again. The brilliance, too.

MOM: Will’s teachers would say all the same things when he was in kindergarten. “Off the charts genius.”

ME: I’m not sure anyone’s ever actually said tha-

DAD: They’re thinking it.

MOM: They can’t say it because it wouldn’t be fair to all the other kids.

DAD: It’s what we went through with Will.

ME: Yep. Genetically he is more like Will than me. Makes sense.

MOM: Oh my G-d he’s SWIMMING! He’s using his ARMS!

DAD: Two minutes ago he was shaking his head no and now he’s king of the pool! He’s an athlete!

MOM: WAVE! TOM! WAVE!

[THEY BOTH WAVE FRANTICALLY]

MOM: He’s so beautiful. The teacher must be beside herself.

DAD: She’s barely controlling herself. She’s trying not to cry. [HE IS CRYING A BIT]

MOM: She must look forward to this all week.

DAD: HE PUT HIS FACE IN THE WATER!

MOM: Bess, did you bring a towel with a hood?

ME: We just use the towels provided -

MOM: The bleach-soaked towels? I can smell them from here.

ME: They’re fine -- what are you doing?

MOM: I’m ordering you hooded towels. They’ll be at your house on Monday. I’m seeing if I can rush them.

ME: Swimming is Thursday.

MOM: You’ll need to wash them first, Bess! With his skin? His sensitive skin? You put a towel on that porcelain angel skin -

ME: Porcelain angel skin?

MOM: Yes. You put an unwashed, chlorine-ridden towel on that boy and he’ll break out in contact dermatitis so fast your head will spin.

ME: I’m going to go wait for him in the locker room.

DAD: Bess!!!!

ME: WHAT?!

DAD: Give him this protein bar.

[THROWS THE FOOD BRICK AT ME]

ME: That is a generic Walgreens protein bar for adults.

DAD: The amount of physical exertion he just did - he’s going to be famished.

ME: Dad, I’m not feeding this thing to my child 30 minutes before dinner.

DAD, GAZING BACK AT THE POOL: Look at him. Doesn’t even need the kick-board. He’s so brave.

MOM: And just so, so beautiful.

DAD: Just like Will.

MOM: Just like Will.

ME: [EVAPORATES INTO THIN AIR]