A Translation of the Misogynistic Football Player's Graduation Speech

Hope this helps!

Hello.

My job is to get bonked in the head.

Every day I get bonked in the head. Some days it’s just a little bit of bonking. Other days I get bonked and bonked and bonked so many times.

By the end of every week, the number of times my head has been bonked is lots of times.

I get bonked on the side of my head. I get bonked on the back of my head. Some days I even get bonked right on the top of my head.

But it’s not all nonstop bonking. There is also swelling.

After a lot of bonks, the brain inside of my head swells up like a water balloon.

Then the bonking starts again. And again and again and again some more.

The reason my head gets bonked so much is two reasons: Money and I like it.

Ever since I was a little boy, I got my head bonked to practice one day getting my head bonked for a lot of money.

In the words of Taylor Swift: Shake [my brain]. Shake [my brain].

Congratulations.