A Transcript of Every Conversation With My Mother

Verbatim

MOTHER: What’s wrong?

ME: Nothing!

MOTHER: Is the baby okay?

ME: Yes, everyone is fine.

MOTHER: Did something happen with your book sale?

ME: It’s out to editors. There’s an auction and I don’t have any updates. I’m just calling because -

MOTHER: - people are angry that you said something about Israel? Never say anything about Israel! Ever. Why are you getting involved - what are you, Jimmy Carter?

ME: I am not Jimmy Carter. I’m calling because our printer is broken and -

MOTHER: - and you need me to print something?

ME: Yes!

MOTHER: Go to Kinkos! I’ll screw it up and you’ll blame me!

ME: It’s over a hundred pages so I’d rather not pay per page!

MOTHER: No wonder your printer is broken! Just go to Kinkos and pay the money!

ME: [Deep sigh] Yep. Sounds good.

MOTHER: Bess?

ME: What.

MOTHER: Neither of your sons’ winter jackets cover their butts.

ME: Excuse me?

MOTHER: I’m going to get them longer coats so they stop getting sick all the time.

ME: They have excellent coats. If you’re not going to print the thing I have to -

MOTHER: - I have to go.

ME: I do, too!

MOTHER: Great!

ME: Bye!

MOTHER: Have fun at Kinkos!