MOTHER: What’s wrong?
ME: Nothing!
MOTHER: Is the baby okay?
ME: Yes, everyone is fine.
MOTHER: Did something happen with your book sale?
ME: It’s out to editors. There’s an auction and I don’t have any updates. I’m just calling because -
MOTHER: - people are angry that you said something about Israel? Never say anything about Israel! Ever. Why are you getting involved - what are you, Jimmy Carter?
ME: I am not Jimmy Carter. I’m calling because our printer is broken and -
MOTHER: - and you need me to print something?
ME: Yes!
MOTHER: Go to Kinkos! I’ll screw it up and you’ll blame me!
ME: It’s over a hundred pages so I’d rather not pay per page!
MOTHER: No wonder your printer is broken! Just go to Kinkos and pay the money!
ME: [Deep sigh] Yep. Sounds good.
MOTHER: Bess?
ME: What.
MOTHER: Neither of your sons’ winter jackets cover their butts.
ME: Excuse me?
MOTHER: I’m going to get them longer coats so they stop getting sick all the time.
ME: They have excellent coats. If you’re not going to print the thing I have to -
MOTHER: - I have to go.
ME: I do, too!
MOTHER: Great!
ME: Bye!
MOTHER: Have fun at Kinkos!
You know what they say: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
Seriously: this is a better scene than any in Albert Brooks' "Mother." Please find some way to fit it into the adaptation of one of your next books.