A Perfect "Dear Publisher" Letter

Please feel free to use this as a template when you pitch your book

Dear Publisher,

Please for the love of God publish my book. And additionally please pay me an exorbitant amount of money for it.

You see, all I can do is write. It is the only skill I have. That is not true! I can also make Bisquick strawberry shortcake but nobody in my family likes it.

Please. Please buy this book. People like my writing. Some of them famous! That is impressive to you, yes? From a business standpoint you should probably give me low to mid seven figures.

I will tell you why.

The reason is I love purchasing things and would like to continue purchasing things. A bunny hat for my child? Yes. A delivery salad? Of course. A house? Would be nice!

I know from going to bookstores (to purchase things), you have published many books. Bestsellers, even! My last book was a bestseller, and was shortlisted (!) for a prize (!!) in England (!!!!!). This means you should conservatively give me $11 million.

I am going to enclose some pages of writing from the book I would like you to publish. My very smart agent and her very smart assistant tell me they are “outstanding.” Not bad, huh? If you can’t believe my agent then who can you believe? My dad? He also loves the pages.

When I was growing up, my dad had a painting of an owl hanging on his office wall. The owl was hideous. I painted the owl when I was six. It won a prize at our local library, and my dad had it framed, and when prospective students came into his office he would tell them, “My daughter painted this when she was only six years old.” There are doctors currently practicing medicine because my dad admitted them to medical school because they said they liked the owl.

I hope you enjoy these pages.

I hope you frame them and hang them in your office.

Please give me money.

Thank you,

Bess