A Message from Elon Musk

We gotta pay the bills somehow unless that's not ok with Stephen King!

Hi, it’s Elon! Sorry I didn’t announce this on my first day in charge when I carried a sink (lol) in (lol) to the Twitter building (ROFL), but I was out partying with my friends…Adam Person and Bjorn Friendshipman.

Anyway, I am in charge now. So cool, right? I have all this money so I bought the website where guys with anime profile pictures call me their lord. Seriously. Men between the ages of 29 and 45 who have terrible facial hair and no current or recent romantic partner will kill for me. So long as they don’t have to actually (ouchie) fight. But they will tweet for me. And so I bought them an online club house where they can be my friends. Real friends. Just like Adam and Fjord.

I’m the best. Did you know if you throw a brick at a car I made it causes a brick-sized dent? And hey, just because all (!) my children with three (3!) different women were conceived in a lab (!), that doesn’t mean there’s something weird with my sperm or penis. My sperm and penis are cool and normal. Just like me.

Say it. Say my sperm and penis are normal or I’ll charge you $50 a month.

Good.

So…now that we’re all in agreement. here are how things are going to be different.

• Verification: Blue checkmarks are bullshit. Having a blue checkmark will cost $20 a month unless someone with a Blue Checkmark tweets at me in disagreement, in which case I will immediately fold and it will cost $8 a month.

• Liking: You have to like all my tweets. Under just my tweets, I will be adding a “mega-like” button just for Blue Checkmarks, so I will see when a Blue Checkmark “mega-likes” my tweet.

• Bots/Spam: Bots and spam are terrible. Now that I am in charge, I will make sure NO bots OR spam accounts exist unless they are replying to women critical of me with “Elon is alpha dogelord and you are THIRSTY for him, the man I, for whatever reason, love.”

• Racial, Ethnic, and Homophobic Slurs: go for it lol

• Comedy: Comedy is something I have researched EXTENSIVELY. My toilet assistant Nathaniel reads me the funniest memes first thing each morning and I have them memorized VERBATIM by juice time. Comedy is now legal on twitter. If my joke tweets get under 2million “Mega Likes” from Blue Checks I deactivate everyone’s Twitter for 24 hours.

And also: One more thing about Blue Checkmarks: No, I’m not obsessed with them pledging their loyalty to me, I just think it’s good for user retention to suddenly charge people for a free website!

Ok! Let me know if anyone with over 100k followers disagrees with any of this.

Zambian Emeralds,

Elon Musk, Memelord