3AM Phone Call Between New Dads Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro

A transcript

AP: Bobby Boy! You up?

RD: All hours. What’s doing, Alfredo?

AP: Fucking colic is what’s doing.

RD: Tell me about it. Christ. He’s got me up all night giving him Gripe Water every four hours-

-AP: “GRIPE WATER?” You FOOL! You know how much DEXTROSE is in that fuckin JUNK?

RD: It says all natural! I’m looking at the bottle!

AP: It’s a synthetic sugar, Bob. Dextrose is a CORN sweetener and you are GIVING it to your BABY GIRL.

RD: Bullshit.

AP: Let me ask you a question, my brother? Are her poops a little green?

RD: Sure. Mostly yellow. But after the Gripe Water….Jesus fuck.

AP: What did I tell ya? What did I FUCKIN tell ya?

RD: I’m throwing it out as we speak. My hands are shaking. My beautiful baby! I’m standing here like a fuckin ignoramus givin her this shit.

AP: Don’t beat yourself up, Bobby. I went through it myself.

RD: So what do I do now? She’s got so much gas. I can hear the burbles after every feed. And the reflux! It’s killin me.

AP: You ready for the answer?

RD: Anything!

AP: Mark my words. You gotta bicycle kick her legs until the gas is RELIEVED.

RD: I could kill those Gripe Water motherfuckers. Charging $15 a bottle for that shit.

AP: MOVE ON from it! Forgive yourself!

RD: Who I’m not gonna forgive is the nursing line at the pediatrician’s office for suggesting it.

AP: Bobby! You gotta bicycle the legs! It’s the only way! The only way!

RD: Let me ask you something?

AP: Shoot. Give it to me.

RD: You ever get a blowout while you’re bicycle kicking the leggies?

AP: Oh yeah. Oh. YEAH. But I double diaper.

RD: Double diaper! Genius! Fucking genius.

AP: You have a diaper up the back and a diaper on the tushie.

RD: He’s a method actor with a method.

AP: Bob? Are you considering sleep training?

RD: If I’m being honest? No. I can’t.

AP: Come on! Not even CONTEMPLATING it? In your heart of hearts?

RD: Alright, Al. I read the “12 Hours by 12 Weeks” shit and my kid ain’t buyin it.

AP: Bobby! You’re tellin me you’re doing “12 Hours” and not “Taking Cara Babies?” You some kind of fuckin ignoramus?

RD: I didn’t wanna pay for the subscription.

AP: Youuuuuu dip into that “Meet the Fockers” cash and buy the subscription, Bobby!

RD: Not happening. A man has to draw a line in the fuckin sand somewhere, and from where I’m sittin on this Babyletto recliner, it’s payin $400 so some bullshit artist in a pink cardigan can tell me to let my baby cry it out. YOU CRY IT OUT, CARA. YOU CRY. IT. OUT.

[HE DISSOLVES INTO SOBS]

AP: Bob. Roberto.

RD: Yeah?

AP: I’ll give you my login.

RD: But what if it doesn’t work? What if she cries it out and it doesn’t work?

AP: It’ll work, Bobby. She’ll be fine. She’s developmentally ready. You need the sleep.

RD: Al? Can I ask you a favor?

AP: Anything, amigo.

RD: Can I borrow your ErgoBaby 360 Carrier?

AP: Which one, the Omni, or the cool mesh?

RD: What’s the difference?

AP: Omni has better front-facing adaptability and the mesh is more breathable for warmer weather.

RD: I’ll do the Omni. I want to try front-facing carrying now that she meets the height requirement and has built up some decent neck support from tummy time.

AP: Smart man. Because I have the limited edition Dôen ErgoBaby.

RD: How’d you get the Dôen ErgoBaby? Didn’t that come out in 2019? I’m on eBay every day for that shit.

AP: I’m Al fucking Pacino. I want the Dôen ErgoBaby, I get the Dôen ErgoBaby.

RD: You’re the man, Al.

AP: No, Bobby. I’m the Dad.