1. Lighting of the Candles
Before the start of the holiday meal, it is traditional to light the Yom Tov candles to honor the holiness of the day. As we light the candles we say:
Blessed are you, lord our G-d, King of the Universe, who has apparently commanded Danielle’s new boyfriend to wear a red pin, nobody tell Grandma what it means.
2. Kiddush
We hold up a kiddush cup in our right hand and recite:
Blessed are you, Lord our G-d, King of the Universe, who creates fruit of the vine, and now Uncle Davey is pointing to the yellow ribbon on his lapel and glaring at Danielle’s boyfriend.
3. Ritual Hand Washing
We pour water from a cup once over each of Grandpa’s hands without reciting a blessing, in complete silence which is broken only by the tiny “ping!” of cousin Becca texting cousin Allison. They are both looking at Danielle, whose earrings appear to be, Jesus Fucking Christ, two bedazzled watermelons.
4. Dipping of the Parsley in Salt Water
We dip the parsley, symbolizing the humble origins of the Jewish people and the rebirth of spring, into salt water, symbolizing the tears of the Jewish people during their time as slaves and oh boy here we go, Danielle is standing and recites:
How can you in good conscience sit here and talk about Jewish suffering at a time when tens of thousands of-
Uncle Davey stands and recites:
We should have never sent you to fucking Brown. You come out with these delusional social justice ideas.
Danielle’s boyfriend stands and recites:
So anything that isn’t an AIPAC talking point is delusional?
Cousin Allison stands and recites:
Please, Dani, stop it with your self-hating bullshit and think for a second about the hostag-
Grandma cries.
Everyone sits.
5. Breaking the Middle Matzah
The middle matzah on the Seder plate is broken in half. Mom breaks a Beta Blocker in half and swallows it with wine from Elijah’s cup.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
Kiddush Cup, although it probably felt like Kaddish.
Seder with my niece who’s at Brown and a classmate. Non-Jewish guest asks about my visit to Israel this January. I take deep breath. Thoughtful discussion ensues, no joke. But this piece made me laugh out loud, so thank you (and will share with niece!)